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I don’t know where and when I stopped holding on to people. I sweep things under the rug. I pretend I’m so happy on my own. I smile so big but find myself running in circles to keep my lonely heart busy with activities to do. Yoga, hiking, running, repeat. When you’re constantly running in circles you barely have time to feel lonely. It’s amazing filling my day doing everything that makes me happy. Right now I can’t do those things. As I have said, I am in a transition.
Lone wolf.
Solitude.
Embrace independence.
You can do everything on your own.

I’m talking about it now. I’m telling you what happens when you aren’t able to do everything that you love 7 days a week. You get to wake up, but you have all these thoughts running through your head. Constantly.

You feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Nothing to run from, nothing to distract the underlaying feelings of loneliness, regret, and unsaid feelings. It’s all fucking right there, staring at you in the face like you’re naked for the world to see.

Every single day I realize how important it is to eat fruits and vegetables because when you don’t eat properly, it alters your mood and makes you an unhealthy crazy mean person.
I realize how much I hate feeling or having an outlet to channel the very things that get released when I’m doing what I love.
I realize how much I miss being in love with someone and having the same in return. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever really truly been in love. Sometimes I feel incapable of normal emotions. Sometimes I’m scared that I am not able to make a family because all this time has gone by and I’m still single, never been pregnant and don’t understand the concept of love.

These are the raw things going through my head the last few days. I miss the mountains. I miss how much they lift my heart and make me smile. Today I have to learn to embrace these raw feelings so that I can understand them and move forward.

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What a magical week!
I went on 3 hikes and turned one year sober.

I also had a handful of people say the same thing to me:
“YOU have so much to offer the world”…..I find that so beautiful….my little ears are used to my imaginary ear-plugs constantly blocking out any form of kind remark or compliment from anyone. I have learned this year to remove those imaginary ear-buds and accept the words of others and accept that I am a worthy person capable of helping others. Most my life I felt so broken that the thought of helping others seemed absolutely impossible. How can one help another if they don’t even know who they are in the first place?

My life is growing. I feel so much change and evolution within myself and I can barely contain it. Today I hear people say that I have so much to offer….and I finally can stop, think and really say “YES! I agree”. I really feel that my story, and the things I have gone through in life can help so many other people. The thought of being a guiding light for another makes me giddy as I sit here typing this. I remember about 6 months ago reading about desires and the importance of setting an intention. I remember waking up every morning and thinking, “God, I desire to feel empowered and vitality…..I desire to empower others”….and I said that every single day for a while amongst other things.

WIthin this past month, I feel this. I feel my confidence slowly rising and my fear subsiding. I feel my words towards others really lifting them. I used to only use this blog as a way for spreading my word but now I see it around me…..it’s an incredible feeling.

So the last three days really defined my new blog name! It’s funny how true this blog-name-change came along…..I created it and find myself truly on the trails or in the water everyday:) Being in nature combined with living a loving, positive life really makes everything better….I feel if others saw the brighter side of things, we could all help each other grow…..

“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love?’ These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will be many fruits, here in this world and the life to come”
-Henri Nouwen

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(above: after climbing a few waterfalls, I reached a place to swim. isn’t washington amazing?)

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(trail-running to lake melakwa)

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(climbing waterfalls)

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(next day: hiking to Barclay Lake with my brother)

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(this is why i need to buy a professional photography camera….i want to be a photographer someday!)

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(it was too cold to jump in, but we thoroughly explored the area)

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(brother bear exploring the meadows)

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(we had our own private beaches)

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(just hangin!)

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(day 3////last night where we went hiking/trail-running till 9pm)

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(the sun before our head down the trail)

What a glorious week! You have SO much to offer….we all do. Make the most of this beautiful life!

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“Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars… and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers — for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are” ~Osho

Nature is Love. It’s simple happiness. The Osho quote perfectly describes life around us. Everything has happiness just as it is. Nothing to strive for, nothing to be worried about, nothing to be heartbroken over. Life happens all around us with pure joy no matter the circumstances.
Today I worked then spent the day running the trails in Seattle. It’s amazing how alive the city gets this season. Every restaurant is flourishing, the markets are flooded with people and the trails and parks are filled with people enjoying the sun and soaking in that vitamin we all barely get through the other 8 months of the year. I have noticed when I hike, when I am out on the trails….I am happiest. I could be with friends or I could be alone and I feel the exact same feeling. bliss.
We were meant to roam and explore. We were meant to be happy. Whatever is going on this very moment, whatever pain you may feel….remember that although it may hurt right now, it will pass and life will be beautiful just as it is. Sometimes I go through pain(especially this past year) and I realize the more I don’t give it power to ruin my day, the less I worry, the better things work out. Things have been working out….and I find peace in nature.

Back to my trail run. I haven’t been running with my Runkeeper app in months. It’s liberating!!! I am not training for any races right now because of my circumstances and I realized that this past year I have slowly let the pace thing get to me. I would beat my best pace and over time I would try to get faster and faster and when I don’t beat it, I feel defeated…like I’m failing. How absolutely dramatic of me…but it’s what has been happening. I switched things up, I stopped using my Runkeeper, stopped tracking my miles, put the electro house music on hold and paused. This summer I have only been running with country music, with books on tape, with sermon’s from my church and I have been relaxing my pace. In this instance, my run’s go longer, with more relaxation and the ability to be joyful. AS WE SHOULD BE. Things will change when I can train for the marathons and such but for now, I live every single day in peace. Serenity from keepin’ up with the Jones’s, serenity from self-criticism and serenity from anything negative.

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After my run I stopped and picked some blackberries. Here in Washington they are all starting to ripen. I got a little carried away and by the time I got to my car I noticed:

1. I have a random Mason Jar in the trunk
2. There are hundreds of blackberry bushes all near my car! Score!

The addict in my little head told me I need to find every blackberry before I go home… So tonight I made a delish little dessert with my berry-winnings!

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dont they look amazing???…..and kind of not completely ripe yet. i got a little excited

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dessert

a sliver of chocolate cake with a scoop of greek yogurt, my blackberries and a scoop of ground chia/flaxseed/cacao :)

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I did it! I did it!
I changed my name….hahaha something I’ve been contemplating all year! It feels so right…it makes me want to update all the time because I feel that my little blogging identity has been rejuvenated to a more authentic feeeeeel, if ya feel me?

SO here I am. No longer tiarefitness.com because if you have been following my blog for the last couple years, well I don’t give a rats ass about trying to appease anyone with specific fitness needs. I may lose a lot of followers but in the big scheme of things, I have found MYSELF.

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feels refreshing.
I’m going to kill you all with my horrible grammar and spelling typos because my shitty Mac lost my normal Word Doc program but I no longer care! I will update you more via mountain adventures and through my little struggles I am soon facing in my near future…

So here I am….tiny trail mermaid. It may be a little ehhhh….but it fits better. I am 5’3 and petite((hence tiny))….I am from Hawaii and grew up there for the first 12 years of my life. ((hence the mermaid part)). I moved here to Washington when I was 12 and lately, as you can see, I have been throwing myself into adventure in the GREAT PNW. I love it here and always have but this year has brought new meaning to my life. I have truly found who I really am and most of this was through being a year sober as of this month, finding true passion in my yoga practice, and finding myself….especially in the mountains. I love to trail run and hike and recently started camping on those long treks.

I’m not going to go into detail about my life because it is still the same life I have been living. The only difference is a name…I didn’t want to be a fitness blog. This is just a blog about my life and the adventures I take, and the little things I do day in and day out to become a better person.
This is a New year. A WHOLE YEAR SOBER.
Change is surely happening and I want to make sure I can write about it without making this just about fitness.

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I saw that quote yesterday and thought about it over and over again…and again…and again….
I pictured my life and the things I capture. I used to capture everything. I used to capture all my friends and I no matter what we were doing. I used to take a million selfies and photos talking about weightloss and muscle gain and meal prep….I’d take photos at the gym, at the workout equipment, and “post-gym” photos where I was sweaty and gross. I took pictures of before an after shots and basically any single workout that I participated in was photographed and sent off into the inter-webs hoping for approval from well….YOU.

What did I fear to lose?
I feared everything. I had major vanity issues and insecurities with myself. I feared losing my fit body…I feared not being admired (even though no one was really thinking about me in the first place). I was borderline struggling with an eating disorder. Not the traditional anorexic/bulimic disorders but more of a body-dysmorphic disorder. I feared losing my party-friends. I feared leaving my horrible boyfriend-turned-ex for a long portion of time. I just feared being ALONE WITH MYSELF.

I meant well, I assure you….but as time has passed I have lost a lot of need for approval. I ask God for guidance every single day to help guide me in the direction of his path…and to help me become a beacon of light for myself and others. Along with this, every singe day at some point I internally tell myself: “It is no business what other people think of me”. I sometimes have to repeat this more than once throughout the day but I believe it helps me grow into a confident, radiant human being. Since my life changed one year ago, all I need to do is be the best, kind person I can be. Every day I have the opportunity to be better, be kinder and go on more adventures.

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I think about the way things are now. The way I forget I have a blog, and forget that I ever cared that much for it in the first place. I have been diving into Instagram as the only thing I truly make use of these days….and why is that? Well I LOVE the photos without necessarily needing a lot of words and I love the beauty that shines through each profile as a little map to the users soul.

So what do I fear to lose today? Have you checked out my Instagram lately? It’s basically a “WHY YOU NEED TO VISIT AND HIKE WASHINGTON” Instagram:) I fear to lose the beauty of the world. I fear to lose my freedom. Some of you know I won’t really be on any form of social media soon and my photos truly show that. They show me bucket-listing my summer away! It’s been hard with my best friend recently moving to Texas but at the same time I think it’s helping me grow a little…okay a lot. It’s helping me be alone and accepting that. With what I photograph, it shows how much I LOVE being out in the fresh air, running the trails, visiting new sites, jumping in different lakes, spending time with my family and best friends and just LIVING. LIVING without caring about the meaningless junk of life. Getting off work/the computer and getting outside. All sober….so crazy I am one year sober this month.

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A few months ago I made a list of things I wanted to do and here are some of the things I have done since summer started:

  • went skydiving
  • hiked trails at Mount Rainier
  • went paragliding off a cliff
  • went on a solo trip to DIablo Lake!!!! (this place I had never been to and have always wanted to go)
  • went for an overnight hike with a friend to Mt. Pilchuck and stayed in a fire tower
  • went on an overnight trip with my brothers and camped over Goat Lake
  • went trail running to Talapus and Olallie Lake
  • swam in Mason Lake at the top of Bandera Mountain and got to see fields of Beargrass!!!(a plant that flowers only every 5-7 years…insane and gorgeous)
  • visited Vance Creek Viaduct and hung my little legs off the bridge(which is the second highest arch bridge ever built in the US)
  • started saving for Bali ($1300 so far!)
  • visited the Chihuly Garden and GLass Museum

I can’t think of any others right now….but trust me I’m living. So grateful.
Life is so short. Create an adventure and take lots of pictures….you never truly know how much time you have. All you have is now.

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“As a single footprint will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep, physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over again the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” ~ Thoreau

I couldn’t think of the right way to write on paper what I was thinking…then I stumbled along this quote which pieced it all together perfectly.

A while back, roughly ten months ago and before then I lived in constant fear. I had no idea what fear was. If you would have asked me about what I thought of the idea of fear, nothing was scary, I could handle any task and I was a bit of a daredevil! I worked out every single day, sometimes three times a day! I made lots of friends out at the bars, football/baseball games and life was one big fantastic party. I had never broken a bone ever in my entire life…I had never even sprained anything…When I had to break up with someone I put on my huge mask of strength and said “F*** it!”. Did I know or fear God? No. I had no fears remember? If friends left my life, they were easily replaced and if I failed at anything…well obviously that’s not what I should be doing and basically….”ON TO THE NEXT!”

So disturbingly fearless….
I look back today and it’s funny to see my perception and how skewed it was. I only knew fear. I played things safe, I stayed small, I never had an opinion of my own. ever. I realize now that I have changed a lot whether it was from getting sober or growing older or both, I know now that once we take a different route, we must keep walking. Change may happen quickly or slowly but we must keep trekking. Positive thoughts, positive change, positive life.

 

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins”
Charles Stanley

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

Today I still fear things but I do not live in ignorance of my fears. In the past I would workout a few times a day not because it felt good, but because I was insecure with myself. I lived in fear of getting fat, I lived in fear of caring what others thought of me. I have seen the transformation so clearly especially in writing this blog. Every day I want to write but I don’t like the name of my blog because if you haven’t noticed already, this isn’t a blog about just fitness….and no I am not a personal trainer nor do I care about ever being one. I don’t want to compete in a fitness competition, I don’t believe in crossfit, and I don’t have some special diet that I follow to stay in shape.

I used to have fears in my relationships with others. I wanted to people please, I wanted to be liked…be loved. I wanted the man I was dating to be the person that would sweep me off my feet and put a rock on my finger…I didn’t even know why I thought this. Even when in a relationship, when a boyfriend treated me poorly, I would stay and hope he changed, and basically just was scared to be alone. I was so afraid to be alone. I would procrastinate leaving them like the quote above….to the point that it would eventually cause erosion to my confidence and then I was left with no self-worth and no identity.

Did you all realize this was going on while I was writing here? It’s been almost two and a half YEARS. Holy moly…..time sure does go quickly. So that brings us to where I am now. I see fear, I feel it, I overcome it and realize that life is okay now. I have a God of my understanding and with him, there is nothing to fear…

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I have solid friends and an amazing relationship with my family that beats the army of acquaintances I used to surround myself with. I now go on dates and can tell if I like the guy or not…and tell him when it doesn’t work. (Old me used to be just satisfied with them actually being interested in me that I never thought about what I wanted from them.)
I speak my mind.
I have ups and downs with my body image still….but I recognize them now. I still do lots of yoga, and love running with my dog and paddleboarding with my parents…but my life is now about the importance of BALANCE.
I don’t really need to try too hard when I’m being my true authentic self…I no longer need to pretend…We have this small space in time on earth and we need to focus on what makes us happy who makes us happy, and treat each other with kindness and respect. We can’t just expect a life that we want. We have to get clear on what works and what doesn’t, and be willing to change if necessary.

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Have I mentioned how freaking happy I’ve been lately? If you follow me on Instagram, this may already have been apparent to you. I am a smile-ear-to-ear grateful for everything these days person. I wish I could put this into a how-to manual for the negative-energy-sucking-non-aware people.

Does anyone know my story?
Does anyone know what I’m about to go through?
Probably not.

I have 3 DUI’s…..I am 9 months sober today and grateful for my life. I have trial in a week and a half and am looking at about 4 months in jail minimum…..with a miracle, it could be less but that is what I am looking at. I figured you all should know in case I drop off the face of the internet for a bit hehe. I could cry about my future and play the victim card a while longer but what the hell would that do for me?

In my entire unhealthy drinking/living career, I am grateful that I managed to get out from all of this without hurting myself or another. Today I get to be alive. People ask why I run so much, why I’m always in the mountains, why I do so much yoga and why am I never able to relax?
Well now you know…what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it? Imagine you’re going to jail in a few weeks…what would you do today?
What would you do tomorrow?

Imagine if you looked into your future and didn’t see the freedom that you have today…
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?

Now imagine you’re not like me and don’t have to go to jail.
Look at how you live your life and think to yourself…why am I not living a more free, fulfilling life?
Why am I living in this small boring box, going to work feeling shitty about how much I hate my job, how much this hangover hurts, why do I stay with a lover who doesn’t connect with me?

Why do I allow myself to play small?
Why don’t I truly embrace my life?

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I’m reading this amazing book by Danielle LaPorte called The Desire Map. It talks about rather than create a goal list, a bucket list, a 1, 5 and 10 year plan, why not create a Desire List?
Sometimes we make lofty goals and sometimes life happens and changes us from ever getting to some of those goals….we feel sorry for ourselves and we sometimes forget our lists all together. She comes at goal setting from a whole different angle in which she says create a desire list.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?…..in your ideal life I’m asking you this now…how do you want to FEEL?

Here is my list for the current time:

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Now she says stick that somewhere and look at it everyday, add to it, start over, get creative with it. Now look at that list, and really dissect the list…think of things that make you feel those feelings….

Now do something everyday that makes you feel some of those feelings…now do them every day. Soon enough the things you do everyday that make you feel those ideal feelings end up shaping the path to your ideal life.

On an end note, nothing makes me happier than doing the best I can with what I have. Enjoying the people I have in my life. Enjoying the freedom I have today, and when I face my hardest times, I will treat is as a meditation, a life lesson, to help others see the greatness in their life while they can. We think our lives can be so hard sometimes even when nothing really is that hard…..remember that life is about perspective and why waste it by looking at the negative side of everything.

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