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I did it! I did it!
I changed my name….hahaha something I’ve been contemplating all year! It feels so right…it makes me want to update all the time because I feel that my little blogging identity has been rejuvenated to a more authentic feeeeeel, if ya feel me?

SO here I am. No longer tiarefitness.com because if you have been following my blog for the last couple years, well I don’t give a rats ass about trying to appease anyone with specific fitness needs. I may lose a lot of followers but in the big scheme of things, I have found MYSELF.

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feels refreshing.
I’m going to kill you all with my horrible grammar and spelling typos because my shitty Mac lost my normal Word Doc program but I no longer care! I will update you more via mountain adventures and through my little struggles I am soon facing in my near future…

So here I am….tiny trail mermaid. It may be a little ehhhh….but it fits better. I am 5’3 and petite((hence tiny))….I am from Hawaii and grew up there for the first 12 years of my life. ((hence the mermaid part)). I moved here to Washington when I was 12 and lately, as you can see, I have been throwing myself into adventure in the GREAT PNW. I love it here and always have but this year has brought new meaning to my life. I have truly found who I really am and most of this was through being a year sober as of this month, finding true passion in my yoga practice, and finding myself….especially in the mountains. I love to trail run and hike and recently started camping on those long treks.

I’m not going to go into detail about my life because it is still the same life I have been living. The only difference is a name…I didn’t want to be a fitness blog. This is just a blog about my life and the adventures I take, and the little things I do day in and day out to become a better person.
This is a New year. A WHOLE YEAR SOBER.
Change is surely happening and I want to make sure I can write about it without making this just about fitness.

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I saw that quote yesterday and thought about it over and over again…and again…and again….
I pictured my life and the things I capture. I used to capture everything. I used to capture all my friends and I no matter what we were doing. I used to take a million selfies and photos talking about weightloss and muscle gain and meal prep….I’d take photos at the gym, at the workout equipment, and “post-gym” photos where I was sweaty and gross. I took pictures of before an after shots and basically any single workout that I participated in was photographed and sent off into the inter-webs hoping for approval from well….YOU.

What did I fear to lose?
I feared everything. I had major vanity issues and insecurities with myself. I feared losing my fit body…I feared not being admired (even though no one was really thinking about me in the first place). I was borderline struggling with an eating disorder. Not the traditional anorexic/bulimic disorders but more of a body-dysmorphic disorder. I feared losing my party-friends. I feared leaving my horrible boyfriend-turned-ex for a long portion of time. I just feared being ALONE WITH MYSELF.

I meant well, I assure you….but as time has passed I have lost a lot of need for approval. I ask God for guidance every single day to help guide me in the direction of his path…and to help me become a beacon of light for myself and others. Along with this, every singe day at some point I internally tell myself: “It is no business what other people think of me”. I sometimes have to repeat this more than once throughout the day but I believe it helps me grow into a confident, radiant human being. Since my life changed one year ago, all I need to do is be the best, kind person I can be. Every day I have the opportunity to be better, be kinder and go on more adventures.

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I think about the way things are now. The way I forget I have a blog, and forget that I ever cared that much for it in the first place. I have been diving into Instagram as the only thing I truly make use of these days….and why is that? Well I LOVE the photos without necessarily needing a lot of words and I love the beauty that shines through each profile as a little map to the users soul.

So what do I fear to lose today? Have you checked out my Instagram lately? It’s basically a “WHY YOU NEED TO VISIT AND HIKE WASHINGTON” Instagram:) I fear to lose the beauty of the world. I fear to lose my freedom. Some of you know I won’t really be on any form of social media soon and my photos truly show that. They show me bucket-listing my summer away! It’s been hard with my best friend recently moving to Texas but at the same time I think it’s helping me grow a little…okay a lot. It’s helping me be alone and accepting that. With what I photograph, it shows how much I LOVE being out in the fresh air, running the trails, visiting new sites, jumping in different lakes, spending time with my family and best friends and just LIVING. LIVING without caring about the meaningless junk of life. Getting off work/the computer and getting outside. All sober….so crazy I am one year sober this month.

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A few months ago I made a list of things I wanted to do and here are some of the things I have done since summer started:

  • went skydiving
  • hiked trails at Mount Rainier
  • went paragliding off a cliff
  • went on a solo trip to DIablo Lake!!!! (this place I had never been to and have always wanted to go)
  • went for an overnight hike with a friend to Mt. Pilchuck and stayed in a fire tower
  • went on an overnight trip with my brothers and camped over Goat Lake
  • went trail running to Talapus and Olallie Lake
  • swam in Mason Lake at the top of Bandera Mountain and got to see fields of Beargrass!!!(a plant that flowers only every 5-7 years…insane and gorgeous)
  • visited Vance Creek Viaduct and hung my little legs off the bridge(which is the second highest arch bridge ever built in the US)
  • started saving for Bali ($1300 so far!)
  • visited the Chihuly Garden and GLass Museum

I can’t think of any others right now….but trust me I’m living. So grateful.
Life is so short. Create an adventure and take lots of pictures….you never truly know how much time you have. All you have is now.

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“As a single footprint will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep, physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over again the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” ~ Thoreau

I couldn’t think of the right way to write on paper what I was thinking…then I stumbled along this quote which pieced it all together perfectly.

A while back, roughly ten months ago and before then I lived in constant fear. I had no idea what fear was. If you would have asked me about what I thought of the idea of fear, nothing was scary, I could handle any task and I was a bit of a daredevil! I worked out every single day, sometimes three times a day! I made lots of friends out at the bars, football/baseball games and life was one big fantastic party. I had never broken a bone ever in my entire life…I had never even sprained anything…When I had to break up with someone I put on my huge mask of strength and said “F*** it!”. Did I know or fear God? No. I had no fears remember? If friends left my life, they were easily replaced and if I failed at anything…well obviously that’s not what I should be doing and basically….”ON TO THE NEXT!”

So disturbingly fearless….
I look back today and it’s funny to see my perception and how skewed it was. I only knew fear. I played things safe, I stayed small, I never had an opinion of my own. ever. I realize now that I have changed a lot whether it was from getting sober or growing older or both, I know now that once we take a different route, we must keep walking. Change may happen quickly or slowly but we must keep trekking. Positive thoughts, positive change, positive life.

 

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins”
Charles Stanley

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

Today I still fear things but I do not live in ignorance of my fears. In the past I would workout a few times a day not because it felt good, but because I was insecure with myself. I lived in fear of getting fat, I lived in fear of caring what others thought of me. I have seen the transformation so clearly especially in writing this blog. Every day I want to write but I don’t like the name of my blog because if you haven’t noticed already, this isn’t a blog about just fitness….and no I am not a personal trainer nor do I care about ever being one. I don’t want to compete in a fitness competition, I don’t believe in crossfit, and I don’t have some special diet that I follow to stay in shape.

I used to have fears in my relationships with others. I wanted to people please, I wanted to be liked…be loved. I wanted the man I was dating to be the person that would sweep me off my feet and put a rock on my finger…I didn’t even know why I thought this. Even when in a relationship, when a boyfriend treated me poorly, I would stay and hope he changed, and basically just was scared to be alone. I was so afraid to be alone. I would procrastinate leaving them like the quote above….to the point that it would eventually cause erosion to my confidence and then I was left with no self-worth and no identity.

Did you all realize this was going on while I was writing here? It’s been almost two and a half YEARS. Holy moly…..time sure does go quickly. So that brings us to where I am now. I see fear, I feel it, I overcome it and realize that life is okay now. I have a God of my understanding and with him, there is nothing to fear…

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I have solid friends and an amazing relationship with my family that beats the army of acquaintances I used to surround myself with. I now go on dates and can tell if I like the guy or not…and tell him when it doesn’t work. (Old me used to be just satisfied with them actually being interested in me that I never thought about what I wanted from them.)
I speak my mind.
I have ups and downs with my body image still….but I recognize them now. I still do lots of yoga, and love running with my dog and paddleboarding with my parents…but my life is now about the importance of BALANCE.
I don’t really need to try too hard when I’m being my true authentic self…I no longer need to pretend…We have this small space in time on earth and we need to focus on what makes us happy who makes us happy, and treat each other with kindness and respect. We can’t just expect a life that we want. We have to get clear on what works and what doesn’t, and be willing to change if necessary.

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I’m back I’m back!!! Feels like it’s been so long! I have had a broken computer forever…I have updated a few times from my cell and iPad but nothing compares to writing on my laptop. Sometimes over the last couple weeks, I would be daydreaming about what I wanted to write about and then when I thought about it more…the thought of doing it all via phone sounded too exhausting…my thoughts move much too fast for my measly phone. Anyway I finally got off my ass and took my Mac to the Apple store and found out it was a lot easier to fix than expected…go figure.

Anyway! A lot has happened since last time I updated!  Last month I had seen Rachel Brathen for the master class and it was amazingggg. Since then I have really worked on my arm balances. I also signed up for Bryan Kest’s master class for the 18th of this month! I can’t wait to see him again, I saw him a year ago and he is fantastic!

 

Things that have happened since:

  • I turned 27!…Holy crap.
  • I turned 6 months sober.
  • I hiked.
  • I yogaaad.
  • I ran.
  • AND OUR SEAHAWKS WON THE SUPERBOWLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

 

Let’s start with my birthday. I am officially 27…When I was a little girl, I imagined that by the age of twenty-seven, I would be married with a child, living in a house that I owned and working a 9-5 job. My life is quite the opposite and I’m learning to accept it. I officially gave up trying to control everything this year. I can’t control you, I can’t control the future, I can’t control anything other than my actions…I have my side of the street to clean and that is what I’ve committed to this year. A year of bettering one’s self to the point of beaming happiness…a commitment that allows me to be completely present and content with this moment…right here right now. No one else EVER truly cares what you do and where you are in your life. Most people are always so focused on themselves that if we actually spend time trying to be someone or do certain things just to seem impressive, just to seem “normal”….well we are setting ourselves up for failure. I have come a long way since 26 and I wouldn’t change it in any way.

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So what did I do for my birthday? Well I went to a drag show with my best girlfriends of course! Haha I have never seen a drag show and its been on my bucket list! It was heaps of fun and all COMPLETELY SOBER:)

 

 

Thats brings me to my sobriety…woohoo I made it 6 months! It actually went by really fast. It’s amazing how happy I have been since I quit. Well it was really hard at first with the transition and the whole idea of “having to actually feel everything” but once you get past your fears and your ego…there is this space. A space of freedom…and that is where I am right now. I am at a place where I have the ability to be happy in every form because I let go of holding on to the one thing holding me back…and that was my alcohol problem…Anyway it feels great and I feel a lot more healthy!

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Another thing I’ve done since my last post is hike of course…heres a picture of me at Poo Poo Point! I’m coming back here sometime soon to go paragliding! 

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Here are a couple pictures from my yoga lately:

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!

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day of the superbowl....our hawks killed it!

day of the superbowl….our hawks killed it!

And some excellent shots from my runs:

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7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

 

Day 12: Write Letters to Everyone You LOVE!

Day 13: Shh!!! It’s a Secret

Day 14: Feed the Homeless

 

Let’s start with day 12: Write letters to Everyone I Love:

This little challenge ended up being long and time consuming. The only reason I decided to do it was to challenge my communication skills. Too often we replace face-to-face or pen to paper time with texting, the computer, and well basically everything has gone tech-based. How booooring and how anti-social. Before this challenge I realize I’m one of the most antisocial people I know! I blame Seattle. We tuck ourselves indoors and don’t go outside for about 9 months out of the year and are passive aggressive isolators.

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Okay I’m kidding…but I do have communication issues. I am a sober little thing going through my 12-step process and I’m on step 4 right now. We have to list all of our fears and explain why they are our fears. We have to write everyone we resent and why….and then recognize where OUR part is in everything. At the end of this process I have realized that I have abandonment issues and care too much what others think of me. I now see that my lack of intimacy or close relationships with people is based on being too afraid to be myself in fear of not being liked. Wow that’s a lot to actually take in isn’t it? I know that if any of you try this challenge, you will notice the same if you truly get honest with yourself.

So I spent the time, I wrote letters to the people I love…and it feels great to get all that love on paper to show people how much they truly mean to me. I will be delivering all of them soon.

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Day 13: Shh!! It’s a Secret…

If I were to tell you EVERY challenge of this month, I may be in trouble. This day’s challenge was good enough to happen; yet too personal to tell the whole 5 of you that read this blog. Let’s just say I was holding on to my past a little too much…sometimes when we get sober we have to throw away all the things that remind us of the substance…or in some cases, the substance itself. This was accomplished when cleaning out my closet yesterday and its good to wash my hands of it. End of story;).

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Day 14: Feed the Homeless

“The plain truth is that you must start giving before you start receiving. This is the nature of the Universe we live in”-Yogi Bhajan

Today my friend Jess and I spent the day giving. We made 25 different little notes and taped them to burgers and went around downtown Seattle. We thought about a soup kitchen volunteer idea but we felt this was more creative doing our own thing. Some streets are a little scary so it kind of took us a long time walking the streets…we expected to have a lot more people but basically we just gave the burgers to anyone picking out of garbage cans, or anyone with a sign. Some people had no idea what we were doing….they looked a little out of it, some people made no indication that we were even in front of them, and some told us they love us over and over again and smiled. Either way I have never done that before and it made me feel good to help others. I am grateful to have Jess who is willing to do all these things with me! Here are some pictures:

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I have been dormant lately. As you know, I’m going through some legal battles and it’s difficult for me to remain active on here when I am trying to improve myself and my state of mind. I started this blog off with fitness tips and diet trials and new places I’ve discovered and shared. Where am I now? Who am I now?

I am a yoga lover, 3 months sober, on 5 months with no meat (besides fish), running junkie with a knack for full-blown self-discovery.This is who I am. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.

I have been treading through a sober life with my eyes wide open….(ok sometimes closed. Sometimes I prefer sleeping over feelings I’m not used to feeling) But I am here and I am trying. These last 3 months I have discovered that I live in fear. I live in fear of failing, fear of success, fear of the legal system, fear of showing my true emotions, fear of loving fully, fear of commitment, and fear of letting myself and others down.

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Soooooo much fear ick its sick. But the first step is awareness right? I am trying to compile a 30-day challenge to help me really grow. This challenge will start on November 1st and be dedicated to conquering some of my fears. I want to do something every single day of November that scares me, challenges me, or gets me just at least out of my comfort zone. On days I cant fit in anything crazy, I will just do my best to try a new yoga studio or run farther then I ever have before. Sometimes we remain so scared of change that we remain a victim to our past and a victim to the sameness of our life. Over everything I want to overcome my fear of teaching yoga. I want to teach, but since my legal situation, I find myself thinking I’m not good enough. I make excuses that I need more training, or I’m not ready, or I need to get through my struggles before I can even teach another. I also have had some random poor body image issues pop up throughout all this recovery. I know that everything is temporary but I like to really talk about my issues when they rise. No one is perfect and I believe it’s good to show real struggle, as many others can relate.

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Today I am surrendering to FEAR. It’s  pointless. I was reading The Power of Now from Eckhart Tolle the other night and it helped me smooth over my fears. This book is a must read if you haven’t already, it’s my Go-To. Here are a few quotes I have highlighted in his book that I thought id share with everyone:

“Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life”(pg. 62)

“Your life situation may be full of problems-most life situations are-but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?

When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation”(pg. 63)

Isn’t that beautiful?

I am in love with those quotes, it reminds me of Baron Baptiste Level 1 this summer. I am creating SPACE for something new. I have been closed for too long but I must continue to grow…through my life situation;)

So here we are, and here’s the challenge.

Starting November 1st I will write every single day on this blog so get ready. I will also be updating my Instagram with my many found fear-facing adventures so stay tuned to both or feel free to join in with me because that would be fantastic support and we can help better each other.

This is a challenge to EMBRACE YES! So if you do this with me just #hashtag your Instagram photos with #embraceYES and I can follow you or get inspired together.

See you in November!

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Today I decided to chop my hair! Alllll of it:) I have wanted to cut it for 6 years now…6 WHOLE YEARS and I finally did today. You know what that means? I’m changing.

 

This probably seems a little silly thinking that I could make a big deal about a haircut and blog about it… but to me it means a lot. It does because I’ve gone most of my life being insecure and not accepting change. I always thought my face was too fat and cutting it would make it look fatter. I always thought that long hair=beauty and cutting it would equal handing over my femininity card. I know this is getting more ridiculous as I go on but that is honestly how my mind would work. I cared too much about what others thought of me and I was scared of change. I always do whatever everyone else wants to do; I like things to stay the same…

I realize now that staying the same prevents you from ever growing. 72 days ago I reached a bottom in my life that has since then, caused me to have an “F-it!” attitude. Since then I’m at this point in my life where I want to change EVERYTHING! I’m looking into purchasing a road bike and possibly biking to work (i live 14.1 miles away) once i get that, i cut my hair because i felt it would be easy to fit under my bike helmet and not have to worry so much about the rain around here, and I have a few other things I want….baby steps I’m saying.

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But when it comes down to the idea of change, If not now, then when?

 

I heard this a lot at yoga teacher training. Why stay the same when life is always changing? Why do we not take enough chances? Why do we do the same things day in and day out and let it take over our whole life? I know this is just a haircut but I’m symbolizing it for the future that I have in front of me. I am kind of trapped this next coming year in dealing with some issues but good gravy when its all said and done—-trust me I will live a completely different life. I am ready to throw in the towel to a mundane, boring life.

 

But for today, I chopped my hair off…and for me, that’s stepping out of my comfort zone:) There is only more of that to come…

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Isn’t that a beautiful photo? I love everything about it. I love the quote, I love the image….everything. It’s how I feel lately. I may not be trekking through the woods in some foreign land as I’d rather be…but I know in time this will be the case. I am at this point in my life where I feel lost. I feel like I have been through some crazy hell that ended up being a blessing (in the most optimistic point of view) and here I am….lost….yet happy…and okay with not knowing the answers.

 

I know I am heading in the right direction even if I don’t see the finish line. I don’t write much lately. I never feel like I have much to say about fitness. I have started another blog on blogger hoping to just transition into another blog where I speak like this without having to resort to something healthy.

 

There is beauty in the unknown.

There is beauty in not having any attachments to anyone or anything like a relationship, child, or marriage, or an important job. I am at this place where I am going through the motions but I will change for the better….for good.

There is beauty in enriching true meaningful relationships with family and friends (the important loves)

There is beauty in dreaming of all the opportunities to come once I pass this difficult time.

There is beauty in being 70 days sober today:)

 

It’s weird. I stepped on the scale and I am still 111 pounds. I have never been able to happily sit at this weight for very long without being a dieting starving fiend! All I do is run 4 times a week, yoga as often as possible (when my tendonitis subsides), and most recently, I’ve gotten back into barre. I eat a lot…I just eat a lot more plant based food and only seafood if I need some animal protein. Other than that my diet has been very simple….

 

  • Typically I wake up and either have oatmeal mixed with a scoop of Vega One all-in-one powder with berries, chia seeds and flaxseeds.
  • Or I have a poached egg or two with avocado, arugula and mushrooms.
  • For lunch I have a large spinach salad with other veggies and garbanzo beans or kidney beans.
  • If I need a snack I have an apple with peanut butter or almond butter
  • And for dinner I crave a lot of spaghetti squash with other veggies or a salad with salmon or a green smoothie…

 

Everything is along those lines. SIMPLE.

My workout is simple, my diet is simple, my friendships are simple, my family life is simple, and that’s where I’m at today. Trying to stay happy with the simple life. I have lived a hectic whirlwind of a life through the last 7 years…I am not missing out on a thing. This is where I belong. When life is simple, you can accept things as they are, you can be prepared when they’re difficult, and you can stay present without attachment to what you believe life should be like. Happy Sunday:)

 

 

Here are a few pictures from lately:

pretty picture from my run the other evening…i love running this trail, its so beautiful

pretty picture from my run the other evening…i love running this trail, its so beautiful

typical lunch:)

typical lunch:)

love my long runs with bellabean! she makes running easy

love my long runs with bellabean! she makes running easy

my expensive addiction is barre….i don't know how it started but I'm back…and in love

my expensive addiction is barre….i don’t know how it started but I’m back…and in love

I'm finally putting the procrastination aside and studying for my ace exam!

I’m finally putting the procrastination aside and studying for my ace exam!

this is a picture from our 9 mile hike to Lake Melakwa today! Side crow felt sooooo good after battling tendonitis the last few months

this is a picture from our 9 mile hike to Lake Melakwa today! Side crow felt sooooo good after battling tendonitis the last few months

Even though I am obviously struggling, I try to take advantage of what makes me happy, while I can, when I can. As most of you know, I love hiking. Hiking is what brings me closer to everything…you’re out in nature with people you love, being a small soul in the middle of vast amounts of Earth’s beauty. When you are in the mountains, daily problems seem so small and insignificant. You think about the trees that are living for hundreds of years in one place…and they are there for a purpose. YOU are here for a purpose, and sometimes the simplicity of being among Earth and being happy with the way things are, as they are, brings you to reality.

 

We have a choice to do anything we want in life. We can choose happiness, or unhappiness. We can choose to dwell in our pain or fake realities, or we can get the hell outside and do what we love. I may make mistakes and may have a problem or a few haha….but I will not let a mistake kill my spirit as a human being.

 

I wrote this post today about yoga…and how when we are at the point in the pose where we want to come out of it, that’s when the pose has begun. That’s when LIFE has begun. These small/large struggles….the things that break us out of our comfort zone, the things that scare us, the possessions that are TAKEN from us that we thought we couldn’t live without?….well these are the things that shape us. We have the choice to either fight the pain….(and continue living unhappily), or we have the power to face it, let it strengthen us, and CHOOSE a different path at the end of the tunnel. The choice is always ours. In the end we all die. When we die, no one gets to judge if our life was worth living….that’s all for us…and in the very end, let yourself be grateful that you chose to do things you loved to do, every single day of your life. The choice is yours.

 

Anyway! Here are more pics from my hike today!

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…and this is why i LOVE living in Washington…

 

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I’m such a slacker! Where have I been hiding? This is easy…I’ve been hiding in my head. I have been having moments lately where I either fall asleep crying…or I’m having the most intense nightmares I’ve ever had in my life, which turns to me waking up in tears….putting myself together and heading to work and being happy while occupied…then possibly heading to a meeting…and working out…and then I find myself in some positions, like right now, restless, with a weird combination of too much on my mind…then to being absolutely BLANK—detached…defeated. I lay here clicking through blogs, Facebook, Instagram photos, without anything on my mind…just a straight social media coma of nothingness. I lay here telling myself I need to work on my blog but the thought of thinking exhausts me. The thought of even taking a shower sounded exhausting.

And after all the lack of productivity, I’m here now. Here.

It’s weird that I can be so outside of myself, so un-present, when only a few hours ago I was having so much fun with a friend talking about everything and water-tubing in the sunshine. It’s as though the second I am alone, I feel completely alone…I feel like I have nothing going right.

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Hi is that you depression? I can’t even tell anymore. Some of you may not even know what the hell I’m talking about but for those of you who read between the lines, I am struggling. I try to be the best that I can, day in and day out, and other times I throw my hands in the air and feel like I’m in this helpless little box. Helpless little box called my life.

 

Someday I will look back and share with you the whole story. I will help others and I will lift people higher than just a level of fitness or whatever the hell reason I started this blog, and I will help people become better overall. I am fighting through the trenches of my own story and we would be in the “conflict” stage right now.

 

I know that once the conflict stage ends in every movie I watch, growth happens. Miracles happen. The dreams you put on the backburner with fear suddenly become reality. I will find that peace at the end of this tunnel. Right now everything in my life is lacking astonishment. But when this is all over, I assure you I will be even more fierce with my dreams.

 

 

This post was random, but I’m working on a little treat for tomorrow or the day after, interviewing miss Allie Conover! You must come back and read about her, she is fantastic!

 

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