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I saw that quote yesterday and thought about it over and over again…and again…and again….
I pictured my life and the things I capture. I used to capture everything. I used to capture all my friends and I no matter what we were doing. I used to take a million selfies and photos talking about weightloss and muscle gain and meal prep….I’d take photos at the gym, at the workout equipment, and “post-gym” photos where I was sweaty and gross. I took pictures of before an after shots and basically any single workout that I participated in was photographed and sent off into the inter-webs hoping for approval from well….YOU.

What did I fear to lose?
I feared everything. I had major vanity issues and insecurities with myself. I feared losing my fit body…I feared not being admired (even though no one was really thinking about me in the first place). I was borderline struggling with an eating disorder. Not the traditional anorexic/bulimic disorders but more of a body-dysmorphic disorder. I feared losing my party-friends. I feared leaving my horrible boyfriend-turned-ex for a long portion of time. I just feared being ALONE WITH MYSELF.

I meant well, I assure you….but as time has passed I have lost a lot of need for approval. I ask God for guidance every single day to help guide me in the direction of his path…and to help me become a beacon of light for myself and others. Along with this, every singe day at some point I internally tell myself: “It is no business what other people think of me”. I sometimes have to repeat this more than once throughout the day but I believe it helps me grow into a confident, radiant human being. Since my life changed one year ago, all I need to do is be the best, kind person I can be. Every day I have the opportunity to be better, be kinder and go on more adventures.

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I think about the way things are now. The way I forget I have a blog, and forget that I ever cared that much for it in the first place. I have been diving into Instagram as the only thing I truly make use of these days….and why is that? Well I LOVE the photos without necessarily needing a lot of words and I love the beauty that shines through each profile as a little map to the users soul.

So what do I fear to lose today? Have you checked out my Instagram lately? It’s basically a “WHY YOU NEED TO VISIT AND HIKE WASHINGTON” Instagram:) I fear to lose the beauty of the world. I fear to lose my freedom. Some of you know I won’t really be on any form of social media soon and my photos truly show that. They show me bucket-listing my summer away! It’s been hard with my best friend recently moving to Texas but at the same time I think it’s helping me grow a little…okay a lot. It’s helping me be alone and accepting that. With what I photograph, it shows how much I LOVE being out in the fresh air, running the trails, visiting new sites, jumping in different lakes, spending time with my family and best friends and just LIVING. LIVING without caring about the meaningless junk of life. Getting off work/the computer and getting outside. All sober….so crazy I am one year sober this month.

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A few months ago I made a list of things I wanted to do and here are some of the things I have done since summer started:

  • went skydiving
  • hiked trails at Mount Rainier
  • went paragliding off a cliff
  • went on a solo trip to DIablo Lake!!!! (this place I had never been to and have always wanted to go)
  • went for an overnight hike with a friend to Mt. Pilchuck and stayed in a fire tower
  • went on an overnight trip with my brothers and camped over Goat Lake
  • went trail running to Talapus and Olallie Lake
  • swam in Mason Lake at the top of Bandera Mountain and got to see fields of Beargrass!!!(a plant that flowers only every 5-7 years…insane and gorgeous)
  • visited Vance Creek Viaduct and hung my little legs off the bridge(which is the second highest arch bridge ever built in the US)
  • started saving for Bali ($1300 so far!)
  • visited the Chihuly Garden and GLass Museum

I can’t think of any others right now….but trust me I’m living. So grateful.
Life is so short. Create an adventure and take lots of pictures….you never truly know how much time you have. All you have is now.

This gallery contains 36 photos.

I am going to make this short and sweet. Sometimes I have so many events that happen within the week that the thought of blogging about everything sounds exhausting! Anyway I went skydiving last week and it was out of this world AMAZING! Smiling ear to ear and want to do it again! I never …

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This week has been a relaxing one so far. I had the chance to see Bryan Kest for my second time and take his master class. As usual, it was amazing. His outlook on life is inspiring and just having the chance to listen to him speak about life and speak about yoga is something that would benefit everyone in order to live a better, more authentic life.

 

I wish I could have recorded his entire talking portion of the class because everything was noteworthy. He talked about how we make yoga SHIT. We bring our shit into yoga and we make it into shit. We bring in our insecurities with our bodies, we bring in our competitive nature and perfectionism issues. We make it shit. We come into yoga wanting to lose a certain amount of weight or get a yoga body because we are unhappy with the way we are. He said YOGA thinks you’re perfect and beautiful just as you are…

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He talked about how the point of yoga is to gain enlightenment. It’s coming into class and opening our bodies and creating balance. Anything in life that we force, or overwork….wears out the fastest. If we go into class and the teacher says to do something, we don’t have to do it exactly as he/she says, we must listen to our bodies and modify as necessary. Your teacher doesn’t care how fancy you get and handstands won’t promise you a healthy body. The key is balance.

 

He discussed the idea of buying a used car….what kind of car do we want to buy? Even if its an older car, what kind of car do we want?…..We want that gently used car from the old lady in Pasadena. WHY you ask? because that old car in Pasadena is in a location with no humidity and no rust….taken care of by a lady that probably follows the speed limit and takes care of it. The last car we want to buy is one from a taxi driver in New York City. See the difference?

He uses this as an analogy for our bodies. The better we take care of our bodies, without force and with gentle moderation…will last the longest. The body we pound and overuse and not let rest will wear down quickly.

 

He said so many things to write down… so with this blog entry I didn’t exactly care where it went format-wise….it’s more a free-write of what I remember from my experience.

 

Something else that he mentioned was gratitude. We must always be grateful. When we come from a place of always always thinking “I’ll be happy when….” then we’ll never fricken be happy. We will always get something then once we have it we’ll move on to the next thing we think will create happiness for ourselves. We must come from a place of “I am happy. I am grateful for…”

 

One part that i could really relate to was addiction. He discussed the addict who stops the substance he/she is addicted to. There is this space of stress and boredom and a flow of emotions but once we get through that, there is serenity. It’s so very true. To be happy JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE is key. As an addict myself, I have gone through this, and it’s the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I am grateful for simplicity. I am grateful spending time alone with myself without the need to feel incomplete. When we get to this peacefulness….we develop serenity.

 

There was so much more but if you ever get a chance to check him out, you should. After his lecture we had a great practice filled with laughs, F-bombs and smiles. I have been so grateful for my life. I even signed up for Art of Assisting here in April and I can’t wait. This is another teacher training program through Baron Baptiste. I am grateful and excited for my life to unfold.

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I’m back I’m back!!! Feels like it’s been so long! I have had a broken computer forever…I have updated a few times from my cell and iPad but nothing compares to writing on my laptop. Sometimes over the last couple weeks, I would be daydreaming about what I wanted to write about and then when I thought about it more…the thought of doing it all via phone sounded too exhausting…my thoughts move much too fast for my measly phone. Anyway I finally got off my ass and took my Mac to the Apple store and found out it was a lot easier to fix than expected…go figure.

Anyway! A lot has happened since last time I updated!  Last month I had seen Rachel Brathen for the master class and it was amazingggg. Since then I have really worked on my arm balances. I also signed up for Bryan Kest’s master class for the 18th of this month! I can’t wait to see him again, I saw him a year ago and he is fantastic!

 

Things that have happened since:

  • I turned 27!…Holy crap.
  • I turned 6 months sober.
  • I hiked.
  • I yogaaad.
  • I ran.
  • AND OUR SEAHAWKS WON THE SUPERBOWLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

 

Let’s start with my birthday. I am officially 27…When I was a little girl, I imagined that by the age of twenty-seven, I would be married with a child, living in a house that I owned and working a 9-5 job. My life is quite the opposite and I’m learning to accept it. I officially gave up trying to control everything this year. I can’t control you, I can’t control the future, I can’t control anything other than my actions…I have my side of the street to clean and that is what I’ve committed to this year. A year of bettering one’s self to the point of beaming happiness…a commitment that allows me to be completely present and content with this moment…right here right now. No one else EVER truly cares what you do and where you are in your life. Most people are always so focused on themselves that if we actually spend time trying to be someone or do certain things just to seem impressive, just to seem “normal”….well we are setting ourselves up for failure. I have come a long way since 26 and I wouldn’t change it in any way.

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So what did I do for my birthday? Well I went to a drag show with my best girlfriends of course! Haha I have never seen a drag show and its been on my bucket list! It was heaps of fun and all COMPLETELY SOBER:)

 

 

Thats brings me to my sobriety…woohoo I made it 6 months! It actually went by really fast. It’s amazing how happy I have been since I quit. Well it was really hard at first with the transition and the whole idea of “having to actually feel everything” but once you get past your fears and your ego…there is this space. A space of freedom…and that is where I am right now. I am at a place where I have the ability to be happy in every form because I let go of holding on to the one thing holding me back…and that was my alcohol problem…Anyway it feels great and I feel a lot more healthy!

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Another thing I’ve done since my last post is hike of course…heres a picture of me at Poo Poo Point! I’m coming back here sometime soon to go paragliding! 

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Here are a couple pictures from my yoga lately:

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!

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day of the superbowl....our hawks killed it!

day of the superbowl….our hawks killed it!

And some excellent shots from my runs:

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7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

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I have been dormant lately. As you know, I’m going through some legal battles and it’s difficult for me to remain active on here when I am trying to improve myself and my state of mind. I started this blog off with fitness tips and diet trials and new places I’ve discovered and shared. Where am I now? Who am I now?

I am a yoga lover, 3 months sober, on 5 months with no meat (besides fish), running junkie with a knack for full-blown self-discovery.This is who I am. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.

I have been treading through a sober life with my eyes wide open….(ok sometimes closed. Sometimes I prefer sleeping over feelings I’m not used to feeling) But I am here and I am trying. These last 3 months I have discovered that I live in fear. I live in fear of failing, fear of success, fear of the legal system, fear of showing my true emotions, fear of loving fully, fear of commitment, and fear of letting myself and others down.

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Soooooo much fear ick its sick. But the first step is awareness right? I am trying to compile a 30-day challenge to help me really grow. This challenge will start on November 1st and be dedicated to conquering some of my fears. I want to do something every single day of November that scares me, challenges me, or gets me just at least out of my comfort zone. On days I cant fit in anything crazy, I will just do my best to try a new yoga studio or run farther then I ever have before. Sometimes we remain so scared of change that we remain a victim to our past and a victim to the sameness of our life. Over everything I want to overcome my fear of teaching yoga. I want to teach, but since my legal situation, I find myself thinking I’m not good enough. I make excuses that I need more training, or I’m not ready, or I need to get through my struggles before I can even teach another. I also have had some random poor body image issues pop up throughout all this recovery. I know that everything is temporary but I like to really talk about my issues when they rise. No one is perfect and I believe it’s good to show real struggle, as many others can relate.

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Today I am surrendering to FEAR. It’s  pointless. I was reading The Power of Now from Eckhart Tolle the other night and it helped me smooth over my fears. This book is a must read if you haven’t already, it’s my Go-To. Here are a few quotes I have highlighted in his book that I thought id share with everyone:

“Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life”(pg. 62)

“Your life situation may be full of problems-most life situations are-but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?

When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation”(pg. 63)

Isn’t that beautiful?

I am in love with those quotes, it reminds me of Baron Baptiste Level 1 this summer. I am creating SPACE for something new. I have been closed for too long but I must continue to grow…through my life situation;)

So here we are, and here’s the challenge.

Starting November 1st I will write every single day on this blog so get ready. I will also be updating my Instagram with my many found fear-facing adventures so stay tuned to both or feel free to join in with me because that would be fantastic support and we can help better each other.

This is a challenge to EMBRACE YES! So if you do this with me just #hashtag your Instagram photos with #embraceYES and I can follow you or get inspired together.

See you in November!

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Today I decided to chop my hair! Alllll of it:) I have wanted to cut it for 6 years now…6 WHOLE YEARS and I finally did today. You know what that means? I’m changing.

 

This probably seems a little silly thinking that I could make a big deal about a haircut and blog about it… but to me it means a lot. It does because I’ve gone most of my life being insecure and not accepting change. I always thought my face was too fat and cutting it would make it look fatter. I always thought that long hair=beauty and cutting it would equal handing over my femininity card. I know this is getting more ridiculous as I go on but that is honestly how my mind would work. I cared too much about what others thought of me and I was scared of change. I always do whatever everyone else wants to do; I like things to stay the same…

I realize now that staying the same prevents you from ever growing. 72 days ago I reached a bottom in my life that has since then, caused me to have an “F-it!” attitude. Since then I’m at this point in my life where I want to change EVERYTHING! I’m looking into purchasing a road bike and possibly biking to work (i live 14.1 miles away) once i get that, i cut my hair because i felt it would be easy to fit under my bike helmet and not have to worry so much about the rain around here, and I have a few other things I want….baby steps I’m saying.

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But when it comes down to the idea of change, If not now, then when?

 

I heard this a lot at yoga teacher training. Why stay the same when life is always changing? Why do we not take enough chances? Why do we do the same things day in and day out and let it take over our whole life? I know this is just a haircut but I’m symbolizing it for the future that I have in front of me. I am kind of trapped this next coming year in dealing with some issues but good gravy when its all said and done—-trust me I will live a completely different life. I am ready to throw in the towel to a mundane, boring life.

 

But for today, I chopped my hair off…and for me, that’s stepping out of my comfort zone:) There is only more of that to come…

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Isn’t that a beautiful photo? I love everything about it. I love the quote, I love the image….everything. It’s how I feel lately. I may not be trekking through the woods in some foreign land as I’d rather be…but I know in time this will be the case. I am at this point in my life where I feel lost. I feel like I have been through some crazy hell that ended up being a blessing (in the most optimistic point of view) and here I am….lost….yet happy…and okay with not knowing the answers.

 

I know I am heading in the right direction even if I don’t see the finish line. I don’t write much lately. I never feel like I have much to say about fitness. I have started another blog on blogger hoping to just transition into another blog where I speak like this without having to resort to something healthy.

 

There is beauty in the unknown.

There is beauty in not having any attachments to anyone or anything like a relationship, child, or marriage, or an important job. I am at this place where I am going through the motions but I will change for the better….for good.

There is beauty in enriching true meaningful relationships with family and friends (the important loves)

There is beauty in dreaming of all the opportunities to come once I pass this difficult time.

There is beauty in being 70 days sober today:)

 

It’s weird. I stepped on the scale and I am still 111 pounds. I have never been able to happily sit at this weight for very long without being a dieting starving fiend! All I do is run 4 times a week, yoga as often as possible (when my tendonitis subsides), and most recently, I’ve gotten back into barre. I eat a lot…I just eat a lot more plant based food and only seafood if I need some animal protein. Other than that my diet has been very simple….

 

  • Typically I wake up and either have oatmeal mixed with a scoop of Vega One all-in-one powder with berries, chia seeds and flaxseeds.
  • Or I have a poached egg or two with avocado, arugula and mushrooms.
  • For lunch I have a large spinach salad with other veggies and garbanzo beans or kidney beans.
  • If I need a snack I have an apple with peanut butter or almond butter
  • And for dinner I crave a lot of spaghetti squash with other veggies or a salad with salmon or a green smoothie…

 

Everything is along those lines. SIMPLE.

My workout is simple, my diet is simple, my friendships are simple, my family life is simple, and that’s where I’m at today. Trying to stay happy with the simple life. I have lived a hectic whirlwind of a life through the last 7 years…I am not missing out on a thing. This is where I belong. When life is simple, you can accept things as they are, you can be prepared when they’re difficult, and you can stay present without attachment to what you believe life should be like. Happy Sunday:)

 

 

Here are a few pictures from lately:

pretty picture from my run the other evening…i love running this trail, its so beautiful

pretty picture from my run the other evening…i love running this trail, its so beautiful

typical lunch:)

typical lunch:)

love my long runs with bellabean! she makes running easy

love my long runs with bellabean! she makes running easy

my expensive addiction is barre….i don't know how it started but I'm back…and in love

my expensive addiction is barre….i don’t know how it started but I’m back…and in love

I'm finally putting the procrastination aside and studying for my ace exam!

I’m finally putting the procrastination aside and studying for my ace exam!

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